Monday, August 30, 2010

Eighteen

Due to the overwhelming response to my question and answer session and the realization that some of my family members don’t know the difference between a question and a suggestion (when you say “just a suggestion” that usually infers a suggestion) I won’t be able to respond to all of the questions. But all of the questions were excellent and I encourage all of you to keep on keeping on and stuff even if you’re a reject. So I am going to answer Kyle and Lily’s questions because I thought that they showed the most thought and interest and existence.

Kyle of Guildford, CT says: “What is the scariest animal you have seen in your village and what did it have for breakfast?”

Great question Kyle! Well the scariest animal I have seen would have to be the town drunk on a rainy Sunday when he stumbled into my house and kept saying “I’m too much man!” until he passed out sitting up a chair. And despite his claim of being too much man I found him to be more animally. And judging by the vomit pile it left on my floor it must have had fried eggs and boiled plantains for breakfast.

Lily of Chatham, NJ says: “How's your project going? What stage you at now?”

Well Lily your first question was quite good. Great use of the contraction. Your second question, however, is not a full sentence. Anyway my project is coming along pretty well. We are in Stage 3: Bargaining. We should reach Stage 4: Depression by October.

I knocked my friend Justin’s tooth out a while back. It wasn’t on purpose. We were playing tackle football and my elbow apparently collided with his two front teeth. I didn’t feel it so I still don’t think it was me but they claim the two teeth marks dripping blood on my elbow were evidence enough to convict me. But really those could have come from anywhere. Anyway it wasn’t really a big deal. He looked up a little shocked and short one front tooth and everybody started pointing and laughing at him. Because we thought it was funny. But then he had to go making a big deal out of the whole thing being like, “Dude, my tooth is gone. It won’t grow back! That one was supposed to last for the rest of my life!” You know just being a real downer about the whole thing.

But so the thing is that since I’m in the Peace Corps and they’re part of the US government, kind of, they like to know where I am at all times. But they don’t have a really big budget like the Department of Homeland Security so they can’t bug our phones and houses or follow us in surveillance vans disguised as dry cleaning trucks. Instead they just ask us to call this voice message system and let them know our whereabouts and stuff. Pretty reasonable, right? Except on the weekend of the tooth-elbow collision I didn’t call in. And so when Justin explained the story behind his missing tooth to the people in the Peace Corps office my name surfaced as suspect numero uno. And the Peace Corps staff put 1 and 6 together and got 7. But then they realized that I was away from my home without calling the Whereabouts line. Busted. So now I’m on double secret probation in the Peace Corps. Now I know that some of you might call Justin a snitch for leaking my name. But those are your words, not mine. I would use the word “rat.” Luckily our friendship is much stronger than the root on Justin’s right central incisor so we’re still best buds. In a way it’s poetic. I ruined his mouth and his mouth ruined me. Not that he really “ruined” me per se but it wouldn’t sound poetic if I used two different words in that sentence. And I had just told you that it was poetic.

This double secret probation thing got me to thinking. In the last quarter of my quarter century of life I have had trouble being a part of any type institution without being put on some sort of disciplinary probation. And this leads me to one very obvious conclusion: that institutions are stupid and I am a recurrent victim of power abuse and conspiracy.

Speaking of conspiracies have you guys heard of this global warming thing. Usually I never trust a scientist but I think they might be on to something here. It’s flipping hot. If I hadn’t been born in August I would say this month has to go. I have to pretend that all my shirts are a few shades darker than they really are because they’re completely soaked by the time I get ten feet from my door. The hard part is when I wear a white shirt and have to explain why I’m wearing a see-through shirt. I’ve seen some guys with mesh tank tops. They’re kind of like fishnet stockings for man torsos. Pure class. I think I’m gonna get me some.

I heard a new Dominican superstition that I really liked. One of my work brigade leaders said he doesn’t let his wife wash his underwear if she’s sick. She can wash everything else but if she’s sick he’ll wash his own underwear. I think he's right. I've started taking my Doña's temperature before she does my laundry.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

SeventeenPointPictures




Sometimes we camp.













Brainstorming with Matt Damon over an ice cream cone about our next screenplay.








As you've probably already guessed I can jump a lot higher than most people.













My cell phone came with a Miley Cyrus ring tone.



Sometimes we cook in the middle of nowhere and pretend we're a group of wandering nomads. Gnome ads. No mads. Words are funny.











Haha. Who IS that guy!?













Oh yeah I work too. We dig the trenches. Then we have water.












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But we dig a LOT. About 9km. That's European for 5.7 miles.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Seventeen

I just returned from the Duncan Peabloggy Tour 2010 in the United States. I visited Los Angeles, Las Vegas, New York and New Jersey and did some readings and signed autographs for my fans and stuff. I seem to have a large following with cashiers and bartenders because they were the ones asking for my autograph the most. I hung out with Matt Damon in LA. We’re looking into writing a screenplay together.

I met with one of my fans in New York and he told me that he thought there should be pictures on this blog. I told him to shut up if he knew what was good for him. But an idea occurred to me. Ask other people if they have suggestions for the blog. I know what you’re thinking. “Duncan, how could WE possibly improve on YOUR blog?” A valid question. But one thing about the pursuit of perfection is that nobody is perfect. Unless one person steals ideas from other people and passes them all off as the ideas of one single man and then he looks like he’s perfect. So from now on if you have any suggestions for how my blog could be improved please list them in the comments section and I will see to it that each and every one of them is given the careful consideration that it deserves and then I will steal it and pass it off as my own.

On second thought, scratch that idea.

I will put up some pictures though. As soon as I take some. They won’t really have much to do with what I’m writing about though because most of what I write is lies.

When I joined the Peace Corps I had these illusions of being like one of those really passionate and stubborn development workers in the movies in poor places. Like that lady from that one movie where she’s like “Hey pharmaceutical guys! Stop testing those drugs on poor African people!” Remember? Except she got killed. I think my biggest problem is that I have no big corporation to fight against. I think Dole did some bad stuff in this country with banana farmers or something. But maybe that was Panama. (My research assistant quit.) I’m at the top of my game when I’m trying to do something illegal or defy some authority figure. But here I don’t really have any adversaries except for the mountain. And people like mountains and nature these days so nobody would take my side in that battle. I guess the mayor could be my adversary but he’s not hindering us so much as just not helping. Plus he’s so fat and looks like a frog and I don’t even know who would play him in the movie about my story. Obviously Matt Damon would play me. I’d throw in some Jason Bourne type stuff. Beat up some secret agents and shit. But unfortunately I just have regular problems like there aren’t enough donkeys to bring up all the cement and space aliens stole all my pipes.

I think my cat is agoraphobic. That’s the one where they’re afraid to leave home right? It never leaves the house. I think in the US there are lots of agoraphobic cats that they just call house cats. But they don’t exist here. Kind of like ADD is rampant in the US but here those kinds of kids are just “bad at school.” Sometimes when it’s bothering me I throw it out the door and it turns around and runs right back in like I just threw it in a pool of acid with acid-tolerant piranhas wearing acid-proof cat lasers and previously regular, but now acid-washed, jeans. My cat hates acid-washed jeans. Sometimes I play a game with him where I throw him out the front door and shut it really quickly and then we both sprint to the back door to see who gets there first and if it’s me I close and it. We always have a good laugh after that game. At least I think he’s laughing. It’s a whiny, crying type laugh.

Another idea that I had that was completely mine and not a suggestion from anybody else and especially not from my friend Kyle was to do a question and answer thing. I thought that was a good idea that I had because I’m completely out of material and am back to talking about my cat. So from now on if you have questions about what I’m doing here or what I would do with a million dollars if I had to spend it all in one place then you can ask me in the comments section. It doesn’t have to be interesting. What did I have for breakfast? You won’t know till you ask. It was an apple. Shit.

Pictures to follow…