Eighteen

Due to the overwhelming response to my question and answer session and the realization that some of my family members don’t know the difference between a question and a suggestion (when you say “just a suggestion” that usually infers a suggestion) I won’t be able to respond to all of the questions. But all of the questions were excellent and I encourage all of you to keep on keeping on and stuff even if you’re a reject. So I am going to answer Kyle and Lily’s questions because I thought that they showed the most thought and interest and existence.

Kyle of Guildford, CT says: “What is the scariest animal you have seen in your village and what did it have for breakfast?”

Great question Kyle! Well the scariest animal I have seen would have to be the town drunk on a rainy Sunday when he stumbled into my house and kept saying “I’m too much man!” until he passed out sitting up a chair. And despite his claim of being too much man I found him to be more animally. And judging by the vomit pile it left on my floor it must have had fried eggs and boiled plantains for breakfast.

Lily of Chatham, NJ says: “How's your project going? What stage you at now?”

Well Lily your first question was quite good. Great use of the contraction. Your second question, however, is not a full sentence. Anyway my project is coming along pretty well. We are in Stage 3: Bargaining. We should reach Stage 4: Depression by October.

I knocked my friend Justin’s tooth out a while back. It wasn’t on purpose. We were playing tackle football and my elbow apparently collided with his two front teeth. I didn’t feel it so I still don’t think it was me but they claim the two teeth marks dripping blood on my elbow were evidence enough to convict me. But really those could have come from anywhere. Anyway it wasn’t really a big deal. He looked up a little shocked and short one front tooth and everybody started pointing and laughing at him. Because we thought it was funny. But then he had to go making a big deal out of the whole thing being like, “Dude, my tooth is gone. It won’t grow back! That one was supposed to last for the rest of my life!” You know just being a real downer about the whole thing.

But so the thing is that since I’m in the Peace Corps and they’re part of the US government, kind of, they like to know where I am at all times. But they don’t have a really big budget like the Department of Homeland Security so they can’t bug our phones and houses or follow us in surveillance vans disguised as dry cleaning trucks. Instead they just ask us to call this voice message system and let them know our whereabouts and stuff. Pretty reasonable, right? Except on the weekend of the tooth-elbow collision I didn’t call in. And so when Justin explained the story behind his missing tooth to the people in the Peace Corps office my name surfaced as suspect numero uno. And the Peace Corps staff put 1 and 6 together and got 7. But then they realized that I was away from my home without calling the Whereabouts line. Busted. So now I’m on double secret probation in the Peace Corps. Now I know that some of you might call Justin a snitch for leaking my name. But those are your words, not mine. I would use the word “rat.” Luckily our friendship is much stronger than the root on Justin’s right central incisor so we’re still best buds. In a way it’s poetic. I ruined his mouth and his mouth ruined me. Not that he really “ruined” me per se but it wouldn’t sound poetic if I used two different words in that sentence. And I had just told you that it was poetic.

This double secret probation thing got me to thinking. In the last quarter of my quarter century of life I have had trouble being a part of any type institution without being put on some sort of disciplinary probation. And this leads me to one very obvious conclusion: that institutions are stupid and I am a recurrent victim of power abuse and conspiracy.

Speaking of conspiracies have you guys heard of this global warming thing. Usually I never trust a scientist but I think they might be on to something here. It’s flipping hot. If I hadn’t been born in August I would say this month has to go. I have to pretend that all my shirts are a few shades darker than they really are because they’re completely soaked by the time I get ten feet from my door. The hard part is when I wear a white shirt and have to explain why I’m wearing a see-through shirt. I’ve seen some guys with mesh tank tops. They’re kind of like fishnet stockings for man torsos. Pure class. I think I’m gonna get me some.

I heard a new Dominican superstition that I really liked. One of my work brigade leaders said he doesn’t let his wife wash his underwear if she’s sick. She can wash everything else but if she’s sick he’ll wash his own underwear. I think he's right. I've started taking my Doña's temperature before she does my laundry.